I know many parents of young children who are challenged at meal times because their kids won’t eat. Food is a constant battle wherein parents have to restrain themselves from prying their children’s mouths open and forcing spoonfuls of mashed potatoes down their throats.

Alas, I have a very different problem in that my kids NEVER STOP EATING! I go grocery shopping only to find that half of what I bought a few hours ago has already been eaten. We finish dinner and twenty minutes later they’re rummaging through the pantry looking for snacks. I WISH they would refuse to eat—maybe then there would be something left for me. We have seriously contemplated stockpiling secret stores of food to keep the kids away from it. I think it’s time to draw up plans for an emergency underground shelter, not to survive nuclear fallout or the zombie apocalypse, but simply to sustain ourselves. We will hide in there like refugees and gorge on Cheeze-Its and mangos. I’m so sick of opening the fridge in anticipation of something only to find it gone (today they were generous and left me 4 raspberries). I’m fed up with preparing something for myself to eat only to hear “that looks good, I want some,” as a hand reaches over to take the food off my plate.

Yesterday, my son had the nerve to complain about going to the grocery store (we were at a restaurant feeding him a huge lunch at the time).

“You love grocery shopping,” he whined, “drop me off at home, I don’t want to go.”

“What are you talking about? I hate grocery shopping, it’s the worst.”

“You love it, I mean you do it ALL the time!”

Are you freakin kidding me? Does he think food magically regenerates at night while he’s asleep?

“BECAUSE YOU NEVER STOP EATING!”

He probably thinks I love doing laundry and washing dishes too. Oh my goodness, no wonder he thinks I’m uncool.

Not only do I loathe grocery shopping, it’s a super-complicated, drawn out process because I can’t get everything at one place (curses on everyone who solely shops at Whole Foods). Noooo, I have to bargain and comparison shop. I have to look for sales and deals. I have to shop at discount places where expiration dates must be scrutinized and we pray there aren’t any bugs in the cereal.

Yeah, I love grocery shopping… hmph *scowl

It’s to the point where I am legitimately concerned that I cannot afford to feed these kids anymore. I earn too much for food stamps and too little to adequately stock up on healthy food for the family. So here are some ideas I came up with for feeding the family on a budget:

  1. Dumpster diving. Hippies, hipsters, vagrants, and the like have been doing it for decades. I’m told you can find some perfectly good food down there, if you can stomach the smell and run-ins with vermin. Worth a shot I suppose. Especially at Whole Foods, where the trash is quite likely to be organic.
  2. Garbage picking. Sometimes people throw away perfectly good stuff that can be resold. I hear aluminum cans fetch a pretty penny at the scrap yard too. Money earned can be spent on more aluminum when we buy cans of sparkling water (my family loves those).
  3. Pawning family heirlooms and wedding rings. No need to be sentimental. Spiritual enlightenment is achieved by releasing attachment to material objects, right? I suppose the great-grandparents would agree, especially now that they’re dead. You can’t eat a diamond and let’s face it, no one’s hitting on me at the clubs anymore, so it’s not like I need to tell the world that I’m taken. We could all enjoy a nice free-range, grass fed steak instead.
  4. Donating plasma. This is a really noble option, because it’s win-win. People need blood. I have a lot of it. Might as well sell some for grocery money.
  5. Wedding Crashing. I’m blessed to live next door to an outdoor wedding venue. I just need to sneak over there long enough to fill a few Tupperware containers and slip back home. Added benefit=no cooking!

This is what I’ve got so far. I don’t want to work more than I already do, so I prefer not to get a second job. I have morals and self-respect and stuff, so I prefer not to steal or prostitute myself. I’m open to ideas though, so if you have more, by all means comment and let us know!

I’m sure I’m not the only one being eaten out of house and home. Can you relate? As always, I would love to hear from you!

[p.s. in case you didn’t figure it out, this post is satirical ? ]

Adina Arden Cooper

I'm a healer, a guide, a supportive companion. A storyteller, an artist, an ally and an advocate. I help individuals thrive and communities come together through counseling, coaching, and community building. I believe that shared humanity is a powerful strength and that our stories connect us in beautiful and sacred ways. As I stumble, skip, or soar my way through this life, I invite you to join me on the journey. Likewise, I'm honored to travel with you. In witnessing one another, we find meaning.